I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the “I like you…BUT…” For the first time in my life I’m actually scared to fall in love. It’s not because of the fear of my heart being broken, but the work that comes after your heart is broken. It’s hard to mend. It’s hard to put yourself back together. My last two relationships have ended in the death. First, the death of my husband and then, I broke up with my boyfriend a mere 5 months before his life ended. We still hadn’t gone through the aftermath of the break up…you know the stuff where one of you starts dating, the other gets mad, you unfriend each other on Facebook….all things I would have had some sort of control over. Death is a definitive sign that you are not in control. So here I sit in this new relationship. So unclear of where we are and where we are going and totally falling in love and scared to death. I know there is no love without loss. I know that you can’t love with fear in your heart. I know that I truly can’t enjoy the relationship with this fear. Yet, my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest every time I think about “What if it ends tomorrow?” or “What if it ends a year from now?” There is no positivity in that. There is no being present in those thoughts. And, quite frankly, I know the answer. I know that no matter what happens, I will survive. I know that I’m capable of putting my big girl panties on and finding my silver linings. I know this. My fear lies in the not wanting to do that part again. Why can’t love be easy? Why can't we know all the things that lie ahead? Why can’t we control our world?
What if we just loved, loved fully, our hearts wide open? What if we embraced the heartbreak? Because without it, we wouldn’t have a chance to learn more about ourselves and become better versions of ourselves. Without heartbreak, we wouldn’t know what love was. Love is always a risk and from my eyes, it’s a risk worth taking.
So, in all honesty, I wrote the above about a month ago…and I fell in love, like totally head of heals in love with this man. I let go of the fear and just stayed present with how I was feeling. And that, my peeps, was crazy, sweet, couldn’t-wait-to-see-him LOVE. And, today….I sit here with a broken heart. He wasn’t ready.
It was the most beautiful summer I’ve had in a long time. We danced even when there was no music playing, we played, we laughed, we cried, we spent so much time together exploring new and exciting things and we loved. It was worth it, totally fucking worth it.
My broken heart hurts, like a real, physical pain. The tears come hard and often. I’m sick to my stomach…and I know I will get through this. Funny enough, about 6 months ago I created a step-by-step guide on “How to Mend a Broken Heart”. It was something I worked on for my Certification for Life Coaching. And here I am using my own guide. So, everyday for the next 30 days, I’m going to give you each step and let you know how that’s working for me and what comes up and how the healing process is going. Stay tuned. I’m off to have another good cry.
OH! As always, I’m a phone call away….the first call is ALWAYS complimentary and helping YOU build your solid foundation, find your silver linings and live a life full of gratitude is what my life purpose is all about!
Peace, LOVE and Silver Linings, peeps!
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